Deal Or No Deal UK Poetry

This poetry is the creation of Richard Steel, a fan of the popular TV gameshow Deal Or No Deal

To Deal Or Not To Deal?
(adapted and modified from Shakespeare's Hamlet)

To deal, or not to deal -- that is the question;
Whether' tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous box opening fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To deal, to quit --
No more; -- and by the deal to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That contestants are heir to; 'Tis a consumation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To no deal; to go on
To no deal, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub;
For in that dangerous no deal what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off from the dream factory,
Must give us pause. There's the lack of respect for the banker
That makes calamity of so long a game;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of opening red numbers,
The banker's stingy offers, Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution of not being a chicken and no dealing,
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of courage.

Imagine if Rudyard Kipling had written If for Deal Or No Deal. He might have to had to make a few adjustments:

IF
(adapted and modified from Rudyard Kipling's If)

If you can keep your head when all the audience Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when the banker doubts you,
But make allowance for his doubting too (the banker can crack too!);
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting for the banker's call,
Or being lied about by the banker, no deal in lies
Or being hated by the banker, don't give way to hating,
show him respect, keep your relationship with the banker sweet it really can help,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise (don't thing you're all that he don't like that)
If you can dream-and not make dreams your master (don't get caught in the headlights of the board and be too greedy!);
If you can think-and not make thoughts your aim (just pick the boxes it doesn't require too much brain power!);
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat the £250,000 and 1p just the same; (bet you can't!)
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, (the banker loves trapping fools!)
Or watch the things you gave your life to (DOND for the last few weeks!),broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on Noel opening your box at the end
And lose (cos you didn't swap the boxes!), and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss (even though millions of people saw your show and constantly talk to you about it after);
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew (in tatters cos its DOND!)
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue (not making a fool of yourself in front of the watching TV millions!), Or walk with Kings-nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you (if you can't remember how many boxes you've opened), but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
If you go all the way, Yours is Your Box, and everything that's in it (even if it is only the 1p),
And-which is more-you'll be a Man, my son! (even though that might not be possible for all of us!)

If you would like to use my poetry for free please get prior permission first. You can email me here:

Richard's email:

Deal Or No Deal: How To Play Smart, Richard's analysis

Deal Or No Deal US: How To Play Smart

Links to Deal Or No Deal Sites
Deal Or No Deal Australia
Deal Or No Deal UK
Deal Or No Deal USA
Deal Or No Deal UK unofficial fansite
Play Deal Or No Deal USA online

Sevenoaksart images

Richard Steel c. October 2011

This website is in no way affiliated to the gameshow Deal Or No Deal